


5 Times Amy Santiago Knew

by joe_mama



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Amy Santiago, F/M, Jake Peralta Loves Amy Santiago, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joe_mama/pseuds/joe_mama
Summary: 5 times amy knew she was loved.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 7
Kudos: 78





	5 Times Amy Santiago Knew

Amy never really thought she was needed. She grew up constantly competing with her brothers for her parent's praise (which she never received) and for most of her school years she had little to no friends. Deep down she knew the idea of not being important for others was stupid. She knew, although they didn't show it, he parents and brothers loved her. She knew people's lives wouldn't be the same without her. But, over the years, those positive thoughts started being buried by tons of dark, anxious thoughts. Because, if her parents really did love her as she expected them to, why had she grown up competitive and determined? Yeah, that's a good thing, at times, but since the minute she met Jake Peralta, they were constantly bickering and competing and making dumb bets. She wanted a good relationship with him because she could tell he was a good person. She grew up permanently fighting for attention and praise and she couldn't get rid of the habit now.

The good, reasonable thoughts floated back up when she met the squad. All bright faces and witty remarks. They made her feel more at home than she had in all of her life. But, still, at the end of the day, at eight o'clock, she left her home and walked back to her apartment. Her cold, empty apartment. By that time, the negative thoughts jumped back into action.

She'd never tried to take her life, but she had definitely considered it more than a few times. Maybe, she would think, it would be a relief for everyone else. To get her off of their back. At the end of the day, she was just the anxious, weird girl in the corner.

Right?

**_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

"And I kinda wish something happened between us. Romantic stylez," Jake said, clutching the box in his arms tighter. Amy couldn't find her words. She stared at him, awestruck because _Jake Peralta likes her_? Of all people, why would he like her? She was just Amy Santiago. Boring, average Amy Santiago.

But the thought that he did like her made her heart burst with reassurance and adoration for the man in front of her. '

He smiled softly and looked away.

"Well, I should be going." He nodded and walked off, leaving Amy standing there, mouth slightly open and butterflies rising in her stomach.

She snapped back into her senses and turned around, watching Jake set the box in the trunk of a car and close it. He walked to the side and hesitated. As if he had sensed her eyes, he turned around and met her gaze, eyes warm and full of kindness. He nodded and got in the car.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_**

"Santiago, please meet me in my office," Holt's voice said from behind her, making the detective practically give herself whiplash from turning so fast. Holt was retreating back into his office, leaving the door slightly ajar for her to pass. She covered her eyes with both palms and tried to rub her headache away.

She'd been practically running in circles with what seemed to be an impossible case. A man had been murdered in his home with a knife from the kitchen. No signs of forced entry, no DNA samples, no new leads. She'd been working her ass off for the past two weeks, somehow surviving on unhealthy amounts of coffee, energy bars, and little to no sleep. She pushed herself to her feet and walked over to Holt's office.

"What is it, Captain?" She asked, faking her best smile. Holt stared at her blankly before signaling to the chair in front of his desk.

"Please, take a seat." She did and placed her hands on her thighs. "Santiago, I think you should hand this case over to Major Crimes," he said eyebrows rising ever so slightly. 

"What?" She asked. "No, Captain, I'm really close, I just need a few more days, maybe, I-"

He raised his hand, beckoning her to stop talking. 

"Santiago, I'm not saying this because of the case. What I'm implying is that you should take a break."

She tilted her head in confusion. "Why? I'm fine-"

"No, you aren't, detective. Peralta came to talk to me yesterday about your..." His eyes softened. "State. He was very concerned over your wellbeing. And so am I."

Amy didn't know what to say. She was exhausted and Jake was bound to notice. After all, he works right in front of her. But Holt? She would've never thought that he'd be so worried to go to the extent of letting her take a break to take care of herself. Either way, her heart swelled with respect and admiration.

"So, you may go home and take a day or two off." He stood up and walked around the dask to sit on the chair next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Santiago."

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_**

The dance floor was crowded with people, holding each other and swaying to the music. Jake held out a hand.

"May I have this dance, m'lady?" He asked with a butchered british accent. She chuckled and grabbed his hand, letting herself be dragged to the middle of the area. Jake's hand settled on her hip and the other held her's out. She stared up at him, feeling like she was falling in caramel eyes, sinking in the compassion that filled them.

"I love you," she found herself saying, before she could stop herself. Dread filled her gut as his smile faded ever so slightly.

 _Oh, no_.

"Noice." Was all he said. "Smort."

Something sharp pressed into her chest, stabbing into her heart and chilling her body with disappointment. She tore her eyes away, but tried not to look too heartbroken. Of course this would happen to her. This is the type of thing that ruins everything good in her life. She says something stupid and everything goes to hell.

"I love you, too." Jake's voice snapped her out of her thoughts, making her look up at him. He was smiling at her, the smile he always gives her and always makes her heart melt.

Then, her lips were pressed against his and her hands were cupping his face. His hands rested on her shoulder blades and pulled her impossibly closer. His words still rang in her head.

 _I love you, too_.

**_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-**

Her knees grew weak, and before she knew it, she was on the floor, one hand grasping at her tight chest and she other pressed against the bullpen floor. She tried to heave in a breath but no air passed her throat. She panicked. Her cheeks were suddenly drenched and hands were trying to pull her up.

Her brother was in town and had invited her and her parents to dinner at some fancy restaurant. That was _not_ good. 

The hands moved from her back to her shoulders, pulling her into a sitting position. She didn't even knew who the person was, but she dove forward and cried into their shoulder. One hand stayed on the small of her back and the other ran up and down her arm.

"Breathe, Amy," Rosa's voice suddenly said through all the heaving and coughing. "Follow me."

Rosa pulled her back and slowly breathed in, nodding as Amy struggled to do the same.

"Take your time."

Rosa's hands were still reassuringly placed on Amy's shoulders, grounding her.

Amy struggled, but slowly met Rosa's breathing. They ignored the confused looks coming from around them.

"You ok?" Rosa asked, her voice tinted with a bit of concern. Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hands.

"Yeah, I am now. Thank you," she murmured. Rosa nodded and smiled.

**-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_**

Amy woke up to the sound of a steady heartbeat. Brows furrowed in confusion, she raised her head. She looked up and saw Jake, sleeping soundly beside her. His coffee brown curls were a mess and his arms were loosely slithered around Amy's waist, gently holding her in place. She smiled and rested her head back onto his chest. She was about to fall asleep when she heard a quiet,

"g'morning."

She looked up and moved her head to his shoulder. He placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Morning," she replied, voice barely above a tired whisper. Jake looked over to the clock and sighed.

"We 'ave ten more minutes," he mumbled, closing his eyes again and tightening his grip on Amy. She chuckled before glancing at the clock, just to make sure he wasn't lying and trying to sleep a bit more.

Yup, 5:51 AM.

Suddenly, she realized.

Jake Peralta, the love of her life, was holding her. They lived together. They were going to get married in a month. She loved him. She loved him more than she ever thought was possible. And he felt the same for her, along with the rest of the squad. Tears pricked at her eyes with overwhelming love for the people she found herself surrounded with.

Five years ago she would've never thought she'd be there, engaged with the kindest, most compassionate man she'd ever met, encircled by the most loyal and truest friends she had ever had.

And, frankly, she was glad she had her dark times. She was glad she learned how to power through her self-hatred and loneliness, because if she had just given up, she wouldn't be there. If she had given up, she would haven never met Jake or Rosa or Holt or anyone who was around for her. And the reassurance of knowing that everyone's lives would definitely be different without her helped. The thought that she was loved and needed and appreciated really, really helped.

She was glad she didn't give up.

**Author's Note:**

> this message goes for everyone out there; you are loved!! and you are appreciated!! don't lose hope because someday you'll be the happiest you've ever been and you'll look back at now and think "i'm glad I kept on going."
> 
> ily all! stay safe <3


End file.
